The Corner of Main and Main: on Paul McKee’s never-ending sales pitch

With a nod to Jeff Wattrick’s naming of bridge-owning Matty Moroun as the Mr. Burns of Detroit, and in light of Tim Logan’s summary of land-banking Paul McKee’s salesmanship of his “vision” versus his actual record on following through with development, I have an observation to make.

Paul McKee is the Monorail Guy of Metro St. Louis, and he’s coming to make a presentation to a municipal council or lender near you!

I’ll admit it’s not a perfect metaphor. Even the Monorail Guy followed through on his promise to build what he pitched, and to create a couple of short-term jobs.

Sing it with me now: Monoraaail, monoraaaaail, monoraaaaaaail!

Lady Gaga in the Motor City

Lady Gaga came to Detroit today to play the Joe Louis Arena.

She just tweeted, “pretty genius, big huge man banging on the car window outside the arena, trying to sell me scalped tickets to my own show. yoouuu skalliwag.”

Oh, Detroit, sometimes I love it when you are an overblown caricature of yourself.

(Let’s hope nobody tries to scrap that metallic wardrobe of hers while she’s here….)

The deliciousness that needs no introduction: Detroit Cliches Drinking Game

It’s making the rounds, but just in case you haven’t seen it yet:

Assignment Detroit: The Drinking Game

Rollaqatsi

The 1982 film Koyaanisqatsi expressed the vast scale of human endeavor. It focused on long, stationary shots of busy infrastructure, accompanied by the minimalist yet awe-inspiring music of composer Phillip Glass. The film is locally known in St. Louis because it features footage of the demolition of the maligned, failed Pruitt-Igoe public housing project. (Said footage starts around 2:50 in this YouTube video. It’s very near my old neighborhood, so much so that I see buildings I know in the background.)

Rolla, Missouri, resident Max Tohline has produced a parody about life in little Rolla, Missouri, called Rollaqatsi. It’s pretty funny. Check it out here.

I am kind of wondering what Hamtramckqatsi would entail, besides all the requisite images of production at the American Axle plant and other industrial sites in town. Shots of frantic Paczki Day donut production at New Palace, perhaps? A sped-up shot of the liquor bottles behind a bar getting lower and lower as a Saturday night progresses? Hmm….

(Thanks to Frippy for the tip on Rollaqatsi!)

3 North St. Louis cats given helpful medical care in surprise attack

ST. LOUIS — In a violent scene typical of those that we only pointedly note the location of when they happen on the North Side, three innocent cats were dragged out of their North St. Louis home today and given shots.

The victims, age 4, 4, and 4 were approached at about 10:45 AM by a lone white female. The assailant was described as being in her mid 20s with long brownish hair and wearing nerdy glasses. The assailant proceeded to gently approach each one of the victims, pick them up, and stuff them into a small cage. The cages were then transported to South St. Louis, where two more assailants removed each cat from his or her cage and poked them with a sharp needle. The victims were then forced to watch from inside their cages as the main perpetrator filled out approximately 10 minutes worth of paperwork.

A young woman has already claimed credit for the attacks, saying, “I don’t know why they’re suddenly acting like they don’t know who I am. I raised them and I feed them and spoil them. I am not a stranger. I just needed to get them microchipped because we are moving. I gave them treats when we got home.”

One of the victims, a small white and orange male named Jarns, issued a statement to the press rebutting Ms. Nowak-Boyd’s statements. In his statement, Mr. Jarns wrote, “Eooow. Eooow. EOOOOWWWW! EOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW! AWOOOOOOO!”

Another victim, speaking under condition of itty bitty anonymity, told a reporter, “Mip! Mip! Mip! Mip! Mip!”

Ms. Nowak-Boyd has denied any wrongdoing.

“The mall is a parody of public space.”

Frippy introduced me to a real great comic.

Metro cuts MetroBus and MetroLink; introduces new MetroCow

ST. LOUIS—Officials at Metro announced today that in the face of an ongoing budget crunch, MetroBus and MetroLink service will be replaced with a new, more economically friendly service: MetroCow.

“Frankly, our existing MetroBus service does not run frequently enough to be a viable way to get around the city, especially when a transfer is necessary,” said Metro spokesman Jim Sloe. “Realizing that any further cuts to service would make the system nearly useless, particularly after rush hour, we decided this was nearly as good.”

MetroCow service is expected to roll out as soon as next month. Saddle-wearing cows will wander slowly through the streets of St. Louis. Instead of fare cards and transfers, riders will be able to purchase lassos at any former MetroLink stop (now called “MetroCorrals”) or Schnucks store, which they can use to “flag down” their rides to work.

Commuters interviewed by this reporter at MetroLink and MetroBus stops about the new service mostly expressed resignation. “Of course I’ll ride MetroCow,” said Walnut Park resident Theresa George-Barnett. With service being what it is, it’s not like anyone who has a choice rides Metro, and I don’t have a choice.”

George-Barnett’s sentiments were echoed by Carondelet resident Andrew Van Doren Shaw, who commented, “Riding a filthy cow around the city at a couple of miles an hour to get home from the grocery store? Well, it’s probably not any slower than using buses that only run once an hour after 6pm. Better make sure I get apples while I’m at the store from now on.”

Image: In the coming weeks, Metro will phase in the MetroCow logo on signage, before removing MetroBus and MetroLink images altogether.

Should you catch a craving for pecans whilst exploring the Armour Stockyards Ruins….

At Robertson’s Farm Supply on Route 3 in East St. Louis, you can buy lots of useful things. It’s hard to beat farm supply stores for sheer “Wow, I didn’t know that existed but now I need one!” gluttony.

Among the goodies:

They sell pecans by the pound. And they sell grass seed by the pound.

I bought two bags of pecans and one of grass seed. The clerk silently labeled the grass seed bag for me, ever so helpfully:

 

Didn’t even break his poker face while he wrote it. Fantastic.

An unfunny post about funny

It’s before 8pm on Wednesday night.

You are, for some reason, reading my blog.

Don’t do that–come see some improv! Arch Rivals Comedy (no relation to the Roller Girls) is doing a show at the Tap Room (2100 Locust), and it promises to be a good time. Doors at 7:30, funny at 8, $10, 18+.

O, the travails of a transit rider!

I felt like this Monday morning: I fink dat wuz my bus.

….and I feel like this most mornings: Bus

(Thanks to Frippy and Citizen Pioneer for sending those to me, respectively.)