BREAKING: DDOT Eliminates All Bus Service in Detroit

DETROIT – The Detroit Department of Transportation announced this morning that it will be making a radical reduction in service, indeed a reduction of all bus service. In lieu of providing transit service, the company will hold public hearings every six weeks announcing its latest cuts.

New DDOT CEO Ron Freeland told reporters at this morning’s press conference, “We are going through tough times in Detroit, and facing difficult choices. We decided to focus on what we’re good at.”

COO Bill Nojay cut in to explain, “The buses were getting so infrequent, who were we kidding? These service reduction meetings would’ve been more frequent than the service of most of our buses within the year anyway. They are already more punctual about taking place and ending at their scheduled times, versus your average DDOT bus.”

One former rider of the late Mack bus who asked not to be named commented, “At first, I was angry. I thought I might lose my job if I couldn’t get there. Then, I realized I already lost one job to DDOT. This won’t be different.”

These sentiments were echoed by other bus riders. A Wayne County Community College student told us, “Without the buses, I won’t be able to make it to class. With the buses, I don’t make it to class.”

With the pending sale of the bus fleet, now that DDOT has gotten out of the public transportation business, the budget at the agency is expected to be in fantastic shape. The layoff of virtually all of DDOT’s staff will provide another windfall. With this money, the agency plans to keep on as many as one full time employee.

Additionally, the Department of Transportation will continue its contract with Envisurage, the consulting firm brought on to manage it through tough times. Brought on board with contracts that reward them with bonuses for saving money, the consultants were unable to be reached at press time because they were busy swimming around in dollar bills.

Nojay urged Detroiters to take a positive view of things: “This is not a service cut. Just think of it as a really long headway. It’s an infinitely long headway.”

 

Edited 4/10 to add: This piece is satire. It’s a joke.

My apologies to anyone I frightened. It tells one a lot about the state of things that so many of my well-informed, reasonable friends initially believed this was true.

3 North St. Louis cats given helpful medical care in surprise attack

ST. LOUIS — In a violent scene typical of those that we only pointedly note the location of when they happen on the North Side, three innocent cats were dragged out of their North St. Louis home today and given shots.

The victims, age 4, 4, and 4 were approached at about 10:45 AM by a lone white female. The assailant was described as being in her mid 20s with long brownish hair and wearing nerdy glasses. The assailant proceeded to gently approach each one of the victims, pick them up, and stuff them into a small cage. The cages were then transported to South St. Louis, where two more assailants removed each cat from his or her cage and poked them with a sharp needle. The victims were then forced to watch from inside their cages as the main perpetrator filled out approximately 10 minutes worth of paperwork.

A young woman has already claimed credit for the attacks, saying, “I don’t know why they’re suddenly acting like they don’t know who I am. I raised them and I feed them and spoil them. I am not a stranger. I just needed to get them microchipped because we are moving. I gave them treats when we got home.”

One of the victims, a small white and orange male named Jarns, issued a statement to the press rebutting Ms. Nowak-Boyd’s statements. In his statement, Mr. Jarns wrote, “Eooow. Eooow. EOOOOWWWW! EOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW! AWOOOOOOO!”

Another victim, speaking under condition of itty bitty anonymity, told a reporter, “Mip! Mip! Mip! Mip! Mip!”

Ms. Nowak-Boyd has denied any wrongdoing.