BREAKING: DDOT Eliminates All Bus Service in Detroit

DETROIT – The Detroit Department of Transportation announced this morning that it will be making a radical reduction in service, indeed a reduction of all bus service. In lieu of providing transit service, the company will hold public hearings every six weeks announcing its latest cuts.

New DDOT CEO Ron Freeland told reporters at this morning’s press conference, “We are going through tough times in Detroit, and facing difficult choices. We decided to focus on what we’re good at.”

COO Bill Nojay cut in to explain, “The buses were getting so infrequent, who were we kidding? These service reduction meetings would’ve been more frequent than the service of most of our buses within the year anyway. They are already more punctual about taking place and ending at their scheduled times, versus your average DDOT bus.”

One former rider of the late Mack bus who asked not to be named commented, “At first, I was angry. I thought I might lose my job if I couldn’t get there. Then, I realized I already lost one job to DDOT. This won’t be different.”

These sentiments were echoed by other bus riders. A Wayne County Community College student told us, “Without the buses, I won’t be able to make it to class. With the buses, I don’t make it to class.”

With the pending sale of the bus fleet, now that DDOT has gotten out of the public transportation business, the budget at the agency is expected to be in fantastic shape. The layoff of virtually all of DDOT’s staff will provide another windfall. With this money, the agency plans to keep on as many as one full time employee.

Additionally, the Department of Transportation will continue its contract with Envisurage, the consulting firm brought on to manage it through tough times. Brought on board with contracts that reward them with bonuses for saving money, the consultants were unable to be reached at press time because they were busy swimming around in dollar bills.

Nojay urged Detroiters to take a positive view of things: “This is not a service cut. Just think of it as a really long headway. It’s an infinitely long headway.”

 

Edited 4/10 to add: This piece is satire. It’s a joke.

My apologies to anyone I frightened. It tells one a lot about the state of things that so many of my well-informed, reasonable friends initially believed this was true.

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Published in: on April 6, 2012 at 10:01 am  Leave a Comment  
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