ST. LOUIS — In a violent scene typical of those that we only pointedly note the location of when they happen on the North Side, three innocent cats were dragged out of their North St. Louis home today and given shots.
The victims, age 4, 4, and 4 were approached at about 10:45 AM by a lone white female. The assailant was described as being in her mid 20s with long brownish hair and wearing nerdy glasses. The assailant proceeded to gently approach each one of the victims, pick them up, and stuff them into a small cage. The cages were then transported to South St. Louis, where two more assailants removed each cat from his or her cage and poked them with a sharp needle. The victims were then forced to watch from inside their cages as the main perpetrator filled out approximately 10 minutes worth of paperwork.
A young woman has already claimed credit for the attacks, saying, “I don’t know why they’re suddenly acting like they don’t know who I am. I raised them and I feed them and spoil them. I am not a stranger. I just needed to get them microchipped because we are moving. I gave them treats when we got home.”
One of the victims, a small white and orange male named Jarns, issued a statement to the press rebutting Ms. Nowak-Boyd’s statements. In his statement, Mr. Jarns wrote, “Eooow. Eooow. EOOOOWWWW! EOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW! AWOOOOOOO!”
Another victim, speaking under condition of itty bitty anonymity, told a reporter, “Mip! Mip! Mip! Mip! Mip!”
Ms. Nowak-Boyd has denied any wrongdoing.